Cactuar Queen arrives in paradise?
by Numair
Summary: I know it's not a pairing, but, COME ON, PEOPLE. Give it a CHANCE. From one desperate to another.. REVIEW, PLEASE!
1. Swirly portals and the like

Author's Note/Disclaimer: I own everything. :D 'Cept, y'know.. the stuff Squaresoft owns. 'Cause Squaresoft 0wns my soul. Any. This isn't funny. It's for my own amusement. Still, I would love you forever and a day if you reviewed, like most people. I don't think I'll bother continuing if I don't get positive reviews, because what would be the point? 

It was one of those ordinary days that are, of course, superlatively ordinary due to the fact that the surreal occurs on them. Well, it made sense at the time. Grouching along unhappily to the bus stop one fine winter's morning, the fic's heroine, Aku (.. er.. TADA!) stomped and ducked her way down the steps. As per usual, she had several heart attacks over the size of spiders and slugs that magically appear with torrential rain that, believe it or not, was a drought. Or so the farmers said. She believed them for the sole reason that Sydney was far away from those other odd country places she'd never been to, so for all she knew it might rain pigs there. Or something. Yeah. Anyway. 

Around this point, or from the start, most people are joined by equally obsessed friends. However, at this time, no such person exists. The, uh, equally obsessed friends, that is. Most of them still have trouble pronouncing cactuar. Shifting her rather cumbersome school bag's weight to the other shoulder, scowling and fiddling with her bus pass in her pocket, she gazed about at the things she happened to gaze about at every time she was waiting at her bus stop. Just like that, a magical portal appeared in the ivy that infested the garage of an adjacent house. Hmm! It was pretty and swirly and kind of like the ones Wally from Where's Wally? used to make using his magic cane that Odlaw was forever sneaking into. Glancing around suspiciously, Aku prodded it with the tip of her turquoise frog umbrella from Japan, fondly referred to as "Milo". Then again, most objects tended to be called Milo at the moment, due to the fact that molestation of Milo Ventimiglia would be nice, oh.. anytime.. now. 

The umbrella predictably went halfway through the portal. Blinking and looking around to see if anyone was about or watching, Aku set down her school bag and pulled out her mobile from a pocket. She SMSed one of her friends- (yes, the friends that aren't coming with) Rachael- a note. 

"Rachael,  
I've gone into a mysterious portal thingy at my bus stop. If I don't ever come back, please call mom. Thanks. And YOU ARE TEH SUCK!!1111ONE.  
-Aku."

With that all sorted out, she pulled her pencil case from her bag and shoved a couple of pens in her pocket, which happened to be her jeans pocket, because luckily, it was free clothes day, as the school was raising charity for some homeless men or other. She always felt less self conscious when not in uniform, and was quite looking forward to gloating on the bus about everyone else's sucky uniformness. At least, she would, if anyone ever caught the bus with her. The fact that they didn't was irrelevant. She could still sit there guarding her seat with an annoying smirk.

But today, she was hopping into the swirly portal from beyond. And damn, it was going to be good. She only hoped she wasn't taking a one way ticket to hell. She'd always wanted to go to hell in a handbasket, not a swirly portal from beyond, and would be highly disappointed at missing out. The girl shrugged her shoulders and pranced straight through, experiencing some slight confusion in the middle of blankness and the other world. 

When she stumbled out, disorentiated and dizzy, the first thing that registered was the noise. Music. Coming from..? She pivoted on her heels as surprise dawned on her face like a tentative sunset. "WHAT?" she screeched, staring about at a rather familiar scene. She was standing atop a jagged short plateau, looking down at endless, stretching plains. And then there were the birds that every so often swooped down on her.

She had an uncontrollable urge to press X.  
The music swelled and went on in what was probably thought to be a calming manner. Calm. _The calm lands_, she thought wonderingly. _Hahahah. Problem. I just stepped through a magical swirly portal by my bus stop into.. Final Fantasy 10?_ If she could've made an emoticon, it probably would've gone along the lines of Ô.o ... ? Ever so slowly she reviewed her body, now most likely composed of pixels. But the whole place seemed startingly real, more so than if she had been on the other side of the screen. Aku giggled. It had to be a dream. It wasn't unusual for her to dream video games. Why, there was that one time she'd dreamt her sister was plotting to take over the world and had gotten away with Yuna's help on Ixion.

So that was the answer. It was a dream. The thing was.. she had been sure the whole bus thing HADN'T been a dream. Perhaps one of the spiders HAD bitten her and she was now hallucinating. If indeed she was, she may as well have some fun and do strange things because no one dies in dream world. She'd pinch herself, but seeing as she was a pixel, it didn't seem to matter much and she refrained from doing such a thing. Humming along to the pretty and yet droning music, she skipped down the ramp like formation towards what she knew would be the Al Bhed center. Easy. Er..

WHAM! Out of nowhere, another bird hit her. Stunned, she fell to the ground reeling. A minute later as she attempted to get to her feet.. something slightly more dangerous appeared. _Qu'est-ce que c'est?_ she pondered disbelievingly in her one French phrase. It was actually possible for them to do that? For them to.. appear suddenly in front of a person, having come from no where? Obviously, it was.

In front of her, lazily staring her down, was a Coeurl. "KITTY!" she roared, beaming. "Who's a gorgeous kitty, hmm? Who's so gorgeous? You are! Yesssss, you are!" It blinked at her, tossing its soft white head to a side, rainbow streaming ears billowing out behind it. "Er.. I've always wanted a Coeurl as a pet," she said, to no one in particular. "Please don't.. drain me. I've forgotten your other attack, but I have a feeling it's Thundara and I don't have any hit points." She glanced at it. "That I know of." It purred, the noise resounding loudly.

"Awww," she murmured, grinning a bit. "Can I pet you? Pleasedon'thurtme can I pet you?" Inching closer, Aku chuckled nervously. The feline displayed some sort of contempt for her, but wasn't actually advancing in her direction in what she would consider a predatory fashion. "Maybe not." She blinked in the sunlight. "I don't know if I have this ability, but.. FLEE!" Hightailing back to the top of the ledge, she watched fearfully below as the beast almost shrugged its large shoulders and slunk off to the shade.

"Great. What if I come across a MARLBORO, eh? I'll be knocked DEAD. KO. Game over. Only, this is still.. a dream." Weaponless and powerless, she wondered if her encounter with the Coeurl had counted and whether she'd gotten any AP. "Oh, come on! How'm I supposed to access the sphere grid?" she whined. "And you call that turn based battling?" Well.. she couldn't go forward. It was too far to the shop and too many fiends lurked ahead with her defenseless. _Could always head back to Macalania.. I don't think you pass fiends on the way there, and maybe... I'll meet someone. Ohohohoh! Save sphere!_ If they had the ship, she could get herself on it and surprise the lucky people. The girl grinned. How far was Yuna in this time? Was Teedus still about? Maybe she had already brought the Ultimate Calm. Turning on her heels and pushing her hair behind her shoulders, Aku made her way off the plateau and to the beginnings of the Macalania Wood.

**TO BE CONTINUED! :D Maybe. If you review.**


	2. Macalania, shiny things, and making your...

Author's Note: I decided to keep going even though the last chapter was sorely lacking in reviews (*grumbles* Stupid people.. just because it's not a pairing..) for the simple reason that.. well.. >> They're too fun to write. Sure, inside jokes are only really all that entertaining for those who know what they mean, but I'm sure most can see the humour of the situation, regardless. Okay. Sorry about that. As per usual, I own nothing, Squaresoft owns everything from Rikku's hyperness to the noble cactuar. Lili-oo.

As she trudged down the slope and caught sight of the sparkling wood, one word caught in the mind of the juvenile delinquent: _Shiny._ The generous sunlight flooded the scant beginnings of dense foliage, catching on the multitude of orbs and spheres that made Macalania famous. The rainbow prisms were blinding as the light refracted and cast strange shadows over her features, and she could almost perceive that they were emitting their own music. _Real music from the spheres,_ she marvelled. Well, it was more like a ting! sort of noise, but it was still music. Huge variations of the "trees" she had known lazily dipped and forked, the branches grown into crow's feet formations. And all was blue, and shiny. Oh so very shiny.

The equally spherically but perhaps not so whimsical save sphere hovered in front of her, before the hard ground of the Calm Lands became crystal granite, and the only sound now was a soft breeze that played in amongst the scintillating trees. She hesitated, looking hard at Macalania. A crazy, ridiculous plan blossomed in her head. She did have some odd souvenirs in her pocket. Her mobile, for example. A couple of coins, her pen, and one of her favourite runes, Perb. What she really needed now was some training. _And a weapon._ Why would she want to go see the others, anyway? Other than the fact that the airship could take her to Bikanel to see the cactuars, she had no use of the guardians or Yuna.

_Maybe I should check to see if the option's available, should the need arise. That would be the.. smart thing to do. Yes, Aku. Take some caution, and see whether the save sphere summons the airship._ Quivering, she placed her hand upon the smooth rotating surface. It glowed, and projected text in front of her eyes:

|> Save  
Board airship  
Cancel

There, then. Now, how to select.. she tapped experimentally on the "Cancel". The projection faded, leaving her vision of the cliff and wood unimpaired once more. A grin began to spread mischievously over her mouth, and she snickered. _I should write a book when this is done. _How to fashion your own Ultimate Weapon_, I'll call it. That is, if it.. you know.. works._ The problem was, of course, that if she wasn't listed, and neither were the items she carried, how would she make her weapon? And besides that, would it give her strength? _No, but if I have a pointy thing, I can stab at fiends and hopefully have a better chance of making it to Bikanel, however I go. Plus, there won't be any ambushes on the way to the.. big sparkly shiny thing. Yeah. That's it. I'm going._ Her sneakers bit into the gravel with a pleasing crunch noise, and the scenery was rather easy on the eye.

She wound her way inside, giggling as the music suddenly changed. The interior of Macalania was even more intense that its overall appearance, and the sparkling would have been almost blinding but for the calming turquoise and sapphire tones that saturated the plants. She came to the first fork with a halt and paused, tilting her head. It was straight ahead, wasn't it? Of course. Still she pushed on, stopping every once in a while to admire the more magnificent globes or the bird song that punctuated the wood's soundtrack. A second fork. Shit. Hadn't someone once been blocking the way here?

There was that chocobo in the Calm Lands that lead you to Bevelle, and it came through the woods. Therefore, one of these paths lead to Bevelle, the place most had fled from.. because.. of.. here her memory escaped her. _Tsk, tsk. It's been too long since you last played._ Something to do with Maester Mika. And Seymour. Oh, well. She was pretty sure that she had to take a detour now. Right. She'd follow the right path. Crunch, crunch, sparkle, etc.

Damnit. She scratched her head, because it was the sort of thing you were supposed to do at moments like these. Another clearing and a fork, one that was suspiciously like the first. Okay, so, she'd had some sort of.. thing.. that up was still the way to go, not right again or down. It lead her to another clearing, where the gargantuan trunks of trees were littered with crystals, and the sun rays that streamed in glinted like a heavenly body. Her eyes widened. There were PEOPLE here. Two Guado, if she could tell by the skin colour, although it was mottled in here. Both were of the female persuasion, and one was older.

And, uh, both happened to be staring at the girl, who was garbed in possibly the strangest attire they had ever seen. "Uh.. hello. Excuse me if I intruded, or anything, but, you see.. I'm lost. Can you.. can you tell me the way into deeper Macalania? You know.. towards the snow fields?" She frowned. Snow fields. That was the direction she wanted to go, yes. After a moment's silence, they nodded. "Out here, turn left, and left again," the younger one said, raising an eyebrow at Aku. "Oh, er, thanks. Very much." Her eyes shifted from side to side as she pondered whether the move she was about to attempt was acceptable. The Guado worshipped Yevon, did they not? And.. there possibly wasn't a problem with this at the time.. _And I really wanna try this out,_ she whined internally.

Grinning sheepishly, she walked forward a step on her right leg and bent down, raising her arms in a wide arc and finishing with her hands hovering over each other, bowing neatly. The Guado were too surprised to say anything at this display, so she dashed off before they could comment, cackling wildly. "Praise be to Yevon!" she yelled over her shoulder, and as an afterthought, "And Og, of course." Dun dun DUN. She'd always wanted to do that properly. Aku followed their instructions and soon found herself in greater Macalania, the tell tale music affirming this. The path amongst the trees wound scarily, and when she looked down it was difficult to quell her vertigo.

_I really am here,_ she thought, blinking. _Time to make the most of it._ She dashed ahead, and two great sources of light greeted her. The one was a giant sphere up on a solid path, of the same variety as the one she was on now. The second one was the one she was after, really. It appeared to be made entirely of mist and glittering sparkles, ascending high into the tree tops. There were no rails, she noticed nervously. What would happen if she fell? _Onwards and upwards! Think buoyant thoughts._ She paced over to it to inspect it further, and anxiously placed on foot onto it. Solid. Time to start climbing..

One more pleading to REVIEW, YOU SWINE: You would all be infidels not worthy of the light that FFX has added to your lives unless you review. >> Uh.. presuming you read that drivel, that is. PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU. :}? REVIEW. 


	3. A Weapon so Ultimate it needs capitals

Author's Note: Okay, so.. one review. =/ Never mind, it's yet another Friday night and a poor, bored mindless Aku sits, staring at her screen and scratching her head. Meaning, more drivel will be produced about what trials Spira would be put to should the idiot materialise. Dun dun dunnnn! etc. Everything 'cept for the crap I came up with s'owned by Squaresoft, which I'm sure you know by now. 

"It's solid. Oh so very solid. Like a rock." The trembling figure was perched, terrified, a few steps up the swirling path. It just.. didn't _look_ very stable, and there were no hand rails. Aku quailed, her arms reaching out as far as they could into the air, stretching towards the trees. She really, really was beginning to regret this. What she felt like doing, other than dashing back down to safety, was getting down onto her knees instead. Somehow, she thought that being lower would ensure her balance. Well, maybe not ensure, but it would be a damn sight better than this. "This was a very stupid idea," she remarked conversationally to the mutated trees, thick clouds of perceptible magical aura and Macalania music enveloping everything.

Slowly, she lowered herself until she was crouching on what her senses insisted could not possibly support her. Fingers out, she attempted to drag her body upwards, her long nails hooking onto whatever they could. The surface felt oddly smooth, though, and although it was useless, she kept up with it. Bit by bit she made her way up, pausing to consider how the scene might look to any innocent person who happened to be passing by. "Neh." the girl shrugged, not too obsessed with appearances for now. Yeah. Just.. for now. Her forehead was beaded with sweat as she neared the top, and now the path was no longer an inclination but flat, across the trees and straight to the enormous globe encircled by foliage and mystical haze.

Patting her pockets and hoping to Og that all her things had remained intact, Aku grimaced. "I guess this means I have to get up now.." She pressed down on her hands and leaned back, steadying herself on her heels. However, as she reached for something to grasp onto as she wobbled up, she realised that there wasn't anything, and the path somehow seemed narrower up here. Tripping over her feet (yes, she's that much of a klutz. I kid you not.) she screamed, and teetered off the edge, where she fell 80 feet and died a horrible death.

.. or would have, but for the fact that the sparkles and dust on the path had formed some kind of magnetic field, and to fall off it was impossible. There was some invisible barrier that prevented one from plummeting down, otherwise that bugger Tidus would've done so a while ago. Clammy and scared witless, she panted, pushing against the force that was no more feasible than what she stood on. "Christ," she muttered, shivering. That had not been pleasant. _Let's see,_ thought the coherent part of her mind. _Money?_ she felt through her pocket with a hand, _check. Mobile? Perb? Pen? Gotcha._ Relief flooded her, while adreneline was still coursing through her veins. "Oh sakata Og, you who made barrier thingies, video games and My Little Ponies, I thank you for preventing me from dying today. Lili-oo," she added, by way of finishing her prayer. Now, at least, she could go forth without fear. Well.. without some fear, anyway.

"Uh.." she voiced aloud as she moved ahead closer and closer to the Ultimate Weapon pl4n7 0f d00m. "What kind of weapon can you make out of coins, a stone, a phone and a pen, anyway? I mean, the rune doesn't even symbolise protection or strength." She blinked, smoothing over Perb in her palm. "It means sex and magic. Maybe I'll end up with a kind of.. slot machine. It'd have to be pretty unconventional. If.. it accepts this damn stuff at all." Approaching it with apprehension, the girl shifted her weight from side to side. What the hell was she supposed to do now?

She didn't want to touch it or anything. The pulse it emitted was so strong she could feel it, almost taste the metallic tang of magic in her mouth. "My name is Aku," she tried, trying to phase out the quaver in her voice. "I need a weapon. Not just any weapon. I need an Ultimate Weapon. As in, so ultimate it needs capitals. Please." But there was silence, apart from the perpetual song of the woods. She fathomed she could see forming in the rainbow slicked surface of the orb a kind of distorted grin. Maybe the air up here was making her dizzy and seeing things, but she was sure a leaf situated near the top shook with a kind of certainty that was a universally accepted "No." Suddenly, a tendril closer to her wove out and made motions towards her pocket.

Brightening up, she pulled everything out and laid them down on her palm, offering them to the plant. It scooped up the coins, which totalled $7.50, and withdrew behind the shining sphere. Stunned and a little indignant, she tutted and put her hands on her hips. "Bribes? You take BRIBES? What kind of a noble.. thing.. are you? So I wasn't on your list, eh? Well, then. I want a WEAPON. Something I can use against FIENDS. Now, I know they're nothing special, but this is all I've got. You took your pay, now take this junk and make me something." As if considering its options, the orb thrummed, and the music went on relentlessly. Finally, a second leaf streaked forward and hovered delicately near her hand. Folding itself up so that it was able to pick things out, it selected the runestone and the pen, but ignored the mobile.

Then they were gone without a trace, and an angry and restless Aku was left waiting for ten minutes. "Good for nothing robber. I liked Perb, too. It was my favourite. Now I'll have to go and make another, and I don't know if the runes accept that. Maybe my set won't be complete because they'll be tainted, I don't think you can just replace a rune. I'd have to go get it at a really magical time and wash it in rosemary or whatever to make it sacred and-" interrupting her rant, which was well underway into becoming a full blown lecture, the plant/orb's resonance boomed again. The air in front of her shimmered even more than usual, and wavered as something began to sketch itself into reality. Particles stretched and altered, replaced by new ones. Holding her breath, Aku gasped as what the plant had been working at appeared.

It was a wand. About twenty-five centimeters long, and covered from base to tip in raised silver transparent runes, as well as other arcane symbols she couldn't recognise. At the tip was a clear, smooth diamond, and imprisoned inside it hung a dainty golden bell. Here, from the sides, four silken ribbons streamed, a dark, steel blue in colour, and lined with silver. It also came with a giant lid.

Reaching forward, she wrenched it out of the air. Somehow, although it appeared to be completely encased, the bell made a soft chiming noise. It was made out of glossy wood, possibly ash or birch. "I've never seen anyone here wielding a wand," she commented, fingers tracing the dice cup shape of Perb which stood out prominently in the center. "I guess it chose to ignore the sex and fertility part and went straight to the magic and mystery. Damn." The girl picked up the lid, a product of the pen it had once been, and shoved this back in her pocket. "Thank you!" She called out to the plant, flicking and twirling the strangest Ultimate Weapon yet. So she would be a mage, then. This was all very well and good, as she doubted her strength and agility could ever match a fiend's. There were a few who were strong against magic, but this would start her off very well.

She skipped back down through the treetops, now unafraid of the flimsiness and height. Macalania was empty today, apparently. Except for those Guado she'd met before, she remembered with a giggle. She needed to learn some Black Magic, and maybe some White, too, just in case. How she was supposed to do this remained unknown, but the wand glimmered and something about it made her think that perhaps it knew what to do. Walking back to the entrance of the woods, near the save sphere, she perched herself on a rock enchanted by the azure light of the orbs, ready to begin her training.

And again: Dundundunnnnnn. I would've gone on, but I'm not sure I can be bothered for the moment. Review now, or forever hold your peace. You know you want to. 


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